Author: Michael Egan

The 2016 Campaign: GOP Candidates Scrambled to Out-Trump Trump with Outrageous Remarks “What else can we do?” asked Lindsey Graham, who said he might be forced to ‘come out’ on national TV just to compete with Trump for the attention. Donald Trump’s 2016 success at grabbing the headlines, followed by Mike Huckabee’s out-trumping “Holocaust” remarks, led to a desperate scramble among GOP presidential candidates to find something — anything — outrageous to say to get…

Nine blind men and an extremely near-sighted old woman were asked to describe an elephant by touch alone. “Well, blah, blah, blah,” said the first, a bushy sort of fellow who could see only himself and his relatives. “My family owns this damn elephant, señors y señorita,” he said,  “so kindly return him to my Pappy and my awesome brother who kept us safe.” Then he sat down and began to sulk. “Forty-one and Forty-three,”…

‘Facial hair is the work of Allah himself,’ proclaims new ‘Jesus Shaves!’ Republican movement Mobil AL January 1, 2016 Throughout Appalachia and the American south today horrified and panicked Mountain Men – and a few Mountain Women – sought to remove their beards and other facial hair as quickly as possible. As sales of electric and hand-held razors spiked almost everywhere, shares in Gillette and Schick blew holes in the Dow. Walgreens and CVS stores…

World’s second-richest man plans to buy entire country of Greece, pay off its debts, and create ‘a Mediterranean paradise’ Following behind-the-scenes negotiations with the Greek government, an international consortium of billionaires headed by U.S. investor Warren Buffet has offered to purchase the entire country outright for $100 billion. “Billionaires for Greece,” as the group is called, will pay off Athens’ foreign debt of $96 billion, “plus four billion to restore the country’s pension system and…

Cheering Texans celebrated the South’s first victory over the Union since the Civil War, calling Gov. Greg Abbott a ‘war hero’ In July, 2015, church bells rang throughout Texas and people danced in the streets celebrating the state’s first military victory over the US Government since the Civil War, as they defeated Obama’s evil “Jade Helm 15” attack. “We done seen ’em damn Yankees off this time!” exulted Texas Gov. Greg Abbott from his command…

‘Send us your cash donations!’ said hundreds of pizzeria operators, eager to profit from the generosity of gay-haters everywhere Back in 2015, pizza stores in the U.S. hastened to join the anti-gay movement after Memories Pizza in Walkerton, Indiana, received nearly a million dollars in donations from Christian bigots all over the country. Dough Diva Crystal O’Connor came under fire after saying that her religious beliefs wouldn’t allow her to cater a gay wedding. Later…

The following tributes, published in Humor Times, were offered to the historic lineup of candidates for president in 2016. Bernie Sanders Gotta send my good wishes to Bernie As he starts on his difficult journey, Cos he’s straight and he’s true And an atheist Jew, And a Socialist – Go for it, Bernie! Hillary Clinton So what can be said about Hill, Who exists as a surrogate Bill? Though her heart’s not quite in it…

Announces international “Bring Back Pope Benny” campaign, backed by the Kochs Former British Prime Minister and converted Catholic Tony Blair called upon the Vatican today to immediately remove “dangerously subversive” Pope Francis I, and reinstate his “politically more reliable” predecessor, Pope Benedict XVI. “Despite his deep-sunk eyes and air of depravity,” Blair said, “we liked Benny Sixteen, as he is affectionately known, much, much better.” Blair, who famously converted to Catholicism after leaving office in…

The Constitution ‘simply represents an ideal’ that Americans should strive for, says the man under the floppy hairpiece Mussolini doppelganger Donald Trump said today that the American people should “consider suspending our Constitution, temporarily of course,” until what he called the “ISIS crisis” has been resolved and everyone is safe again. ‘Look, we all agree the Constitution is a holy document,” Trump said at a news conference Tuesday. “It’s like the Bible, inspired by God.…

Joan Rivers’ words of mass destruction were ‘too dangerous in the wrong hands,’ say police Soon after her death in 2014, New York City authorities sealed off Joan Rivers’ Upper East Side apartment, barring access to her famous filing cabinet of jokes and one-liners. Referred to in many obituaries and featured in the TV documentary Joan Rivers: A Piece of Work, the wall-sized cabinet included thousands of note cards, arranged alphabetically by topic — politics,…