Author: Michael Egan

  A Poem by Michael Egan   The Trumpublicans dream of a Coup Though they’re unsure of just what to doup Should they vote, should they fight, should they soup? How to handle the N and the Joup? When it comes down to enemies, houp? Will it end up as something they’ll roup? Will it stink like an Englishman’s loup Full of crap and bad smells and old poup? So here are a wise word…

WASHINGTON DC– Donald Trump announced  today that Russian president Vladimir Putin has paid the United States over 60 billion rubles or one billion dollars American to bomb Ukraine. Most of the money, he noted, will go towards building his “great wall” between the US and Mexico. “Listen, a gig’s a gig,” Trump explained to a gaggle of reporters on the White House lawn, “and 60 billion rubles is 60 billion rubles, even at current exchange…

“Li’l Johnny Legend needs to chill,” the President sneered about this year’s recipient. “He should  go to a good, old-fashioned Rocky movie to see a real hunk. Me!” by Michael Egan WASHINGTON DC—President Donald J. Trump demanded today that People magazine revoke its 2019 “Sexiest Man Alive” award to singer John Legend, and instead confer it on him. “So ridiculous,” Trump tweeted from his Golden Throne early this morning, after ten or fifteen attempts at…

Stunned podiatrists declare president’s feet to be entirely bone-spur free after ‘Toe Jam’ religious invocation. WASHINGTON DC – President’s Trump’s heels have been declared to be “entirely bone-spur free” by a panel of podiatrists, following a “hands-on-feet” pray-in conducted by evangelical faith healers. The President agreed to the examination after critics claimed his bone spurs did not in fact exist, and were only an excuse to secure his military deferment during the Vietnam War. The President hotly…

“Frankly we have a big housing and feeding problem. America will no longer be taken advantage of by migrants who have abandoned their litters.” Washington DC – President Donald Trump suggested today that hundreds of “ineligible” immigrant children should be housed in animal shelters until they can be adopted by native-born Americans. “Legally, these children constitute a major problem,” Trump said, during an unscheduled press gaggle. “They’re here neither legally nor illegally, since they were…

An international team of researchers has detected a mysterious void inside President Donald Trump’s head. The anomalous space, known as the President’s Big Void, showed up on imagery produced by tracking concentrations of subatomic particles called Morons as they zoomed in on the president’s hair piece. “We don’t know if the Void is one big structure, or several successive structures,” said Georgio Metropolis, founder of the Scan Trump’s Rug campaign. “What we are sure about…

Doctors say the hard-boiled publisher of Hustler magazine ‘is likely to recover but may never be quite the same again. His psyche has received a tremendous and perhaps permanently debilitating trauma.’  LOS ANGELES – Hustler magazine’s owner/editor Larry Flynt is under 24-hour sedation today after voluntarily admitting himself to a Los Angeles psychiatric clinic Sunday night. Doctors said Flynt was in a state of “extreme shock, similar to the worst cases of PTSD we have…

‘Like Jesus and the Israelites, we shall wander for forty days and forty nights seeking the promised land of educational reform’  NYC—Betsy deVos, Trump’s new education secretary, announced today that in June she will lead 4000 Christian “martyrs for education” and their children in a forty-day, forty-night wander around Death Valley, CA. “We seek education’s Promised Land and the advancement of God’s kingdom on earth,” Ms DeVos explained at a news conference held in the…

‘Listen, I’m disgusting myself, OK? You should just see me in the morning!’ NEW YORK,  December 28, 2015 Presidential candidate Donald Trump yesterday defended his use of the word “disgusting” to characterize Hillary Clinton’s bathroom break during the last Democratic Party debate. “When I said ‘disgusting’” Trump explained at a press conference, “I meant it in the best possible way, like schlong, which is simply the opposite of schlort. “So lemme say that it’s great…

Naked presidential hopefuls will hunt each other down, survivor wins nomination, according to new GOP debate rules. NEW YORK August 8, 2015 Fox News announced today that it was launching a new ‘Hunger Games’ reality show in which the remaining GOP presidential hopefuls would be released naked into the wilds with instructions to hunt one another down “to the death.” The lone survivor of this radical new GOP debate format will be the party’s nominee…