“Frankly we have a big housing and feeding problem. America will no longer be taken advantage of by migrants who have abandoned their litters.”
Washington DC – President Donald Trump suggested today that hundreds of “ineligible” immigrant children should be housed in animal shelters until they can be adopted by native-born Americans.
“Legally, these children constitute a major problem,” Trump said, during an unscheduled press gaggle. “They’re here neither legally nor illegally, since they were forcibly impounded by the U.S. government, and are ineligible to be returned or repatriated because we don’t know who their parents are, nor even where they are. Obviously they’re not covered by Obama’s failed DACA program. In many ways it’s all his fault.”
Mr Trump continued: “The best thing to do is store them until we can figure out what the hell is going on. Keeping them in humane animal shelters would be ideal since these facilities provide secure cages and trained care-givers accustomed to dealing with populations who don’t speak English.”
The difficulties of providing adequate space and food would be taken care of by serving up the current inhabitants.
“We all know that unadoptable pets are routinely put down anyway,” Trump said. “Why waste them? Moreover, Kellyanne assures me that dog and cat meats make good ‘alternative foods,’ and on top of that are what’s actually served at MacDonald’s. I eat their burgers and they’re delicious.” Ketchup and mustard, he added, would be provided by the Department of Homeland Security.
“Besides,” the President went on, “these so-called children are not really human. They’re animals, as I’ve often said, and probably from the litters of Mexican murderers, rapists and drug dealers, though some I assume are good doggies and kitties.”
Responding to a question, Mr Trump observed that the proposed program would encourage real Americans to adopt one or more “migrant pets,” thus resolving both their legal status and housing/feeding difficulties.
“White Christian evangelicals are the kindest and most giving people in the world,” he said. “A migrant pet would be welcomed into their homes and treated just like their other animals. Spaying or neutering would be optional, of course. Some owners might want to breed them, perhaps for sale. The more intelligent ones could be taught to fetch, keep guard and even pick cotton. Who can say? We’ll see.”
The President concluded by stressing that he did not really approve of putting down the older and perennially unadoptable, though this might have to be resorted to in a few extreme cases.
“Fortunately, many shelters have the experience and facilities for the humane disposal of pets who can’t be placed. I understand that some even have crematoria to handle the remains, though frankly I don’t see why they shouldn’t be frozen and then later fed to the survivors along with any dog, cat or bunny protein.
“Thank you. No more questions.”