Month: October 2017

Doctors say the hard-boiled publisher of Hustler magazine ‘is likely to recover but may never be quite the same again. His psyche has received a tremendous and perhaps permanently debilitating trauma.’  LOS ANGELES – Hustler magazine’s owner/editor Larry Flynt is under 24-hour sedation today after voluntarily admitting himself to a Los Angeles psychiatric clinic Sunday night. Doctors said Flynt was in a state of “extreme shock, similar to the worst cases of PTSD we have…

‘Like Jesus and the Israelites, we shall wander for forty days and forty nights seeking the promised land of educational reform’  NYC—Betsy deVos, Trump’s new education secretary, announced today that in June she will lead 4000 Christian “martyrs for education” and their children in a forty-day, forty-night wander around Death Valley, CA. “We seek education’s Promised Land and the advancement of God’s kingdom on earth,” Ms DeVos explained at a news conference held in the…

‘Listen, I’m disgusting myself, OK? You should just see me in the morning!’ NEW YORK,  December 28, 2015 Presidential candidate Donald Trump yesterday defended his use of the word “disgusting” to characterize Hillary Clinton’s bathroom break during the last Democratic Party debate. “When I said ‘disgusting’” Trump explained at a press conference, “I meant it in the best possible way, like schlong, which is simply the opposite of schlort. “So lemme say that it’s great…

Naked presidential hopefuls will hunt each other down, survivor wins nomination, according to new GOP debate rules. NEW YORK August 8, 2015 Fox News announced today that it was launching a new ‘Hunger Games’ reality show in which the remaining GOP presidential hopefuls would be released naked into the wilds with instructions to hunt one another down “to the death.” The lone survivor of this radical new GOP debate format will be the party’s nominee…

The 2016 Campaign: GOP Candidates Scrambled to Out-Trump Trump with Outrageous Remarks “What else can we do?” asked Lindsey Graham, who said he might be forced to ‘come out’ on national TV just to compete with Trump for the attention. Donald Trump’s 2016 success at grabbing the headlines, followed by Mike Huckabee’s out-trumping “Holocaust” remarks, led to a desperate scramble among GOP presidential candidates to find something — anything — outrageous to say to get…

Nine blind men and an extremely near-sighted old woman were asked to describe an elephant by touch alone. “Well, blah, blah, blah,” said the first, a bushy sort of fellow who could see only himself and his relatives. “My family owns this damn elephant, señors y señorita,” he said,  “so kindly return him to my Pappy and my awesome brother who kept us safe.” Then he sat down and began to sulk. “Forty-one and Forty-three,”…

‘Facial hair is the work of Allah himself,’ proclaims new ‘Jesus Shaves!’ Republican movement Mobil AL January 1, 2016 Throughout Appalachia and the American south today horrified and panicked Mountain Men – and a few Mountain Women – sought to remove their beards and other facial hair as quickly as possible. As sales of electric and hand-held razors spiked almost everywhere, shares in Gillette and Schick blew holes in the Dow. Walgreens and CVS stores…

World’s second-richest man plans to buy entire country of Greece, pay off its debts, and create ‘a Mediterranean paradise’ Following behind-the-scenes negotiations with the Greek government, an international consortium of billionaires headed by U.S. investor Warren Buffet has offered to purchase the entire country outright for $100 billion. “Billionaires for Greece,” as the group is called, will pay off Athens’ foreign debt of $96 billion, “plus four billion to restore the country’s pension system and…

Cheering Texans celebrated the South’s first victory over the Union since the Civil War, calling Gov. Greg Abbott a ‘war hero’ In July, 2015, church bells rang throughout Texas and people danced in the streets celebrating the state’s first military victory over the US Government since the Civil War, as they defeated Obama’s evil “Jade Helm 15” attack. “We done seen ’em damn Yankees off this time!” exulted Texas Gov. Greg Abbott from his command…

‘Send us your cash donations!’ said hundreds of pizzeria operators, eager to profit from the generosity of gay-haters everywhere Back in 2015, pizza stores in the U.S. hastened to join the anti-gay movement after Memories Pizza in Walkerton, Indiana, received nearly a million dollars in donations from Christian bigots all over the country. Dough Diva Crystal O’Connor came under fire after saying that her religious beliefs wouldn’t allow her to cater a gay wedding. Later…