‘Woof, woof,’ says County Clerk’s new husband, still in the doghouse
A female South Dakota county clerk, overheard threatening to marry her dog after the SCOTUS gay-marriage decision, has followed through and tied the slip-knot with her “loyal, good-looking and extremely long-tongued” canine friend, Butchy-Wootchy.
“Butchy and I have been together for nine years now,” said the former Miss Coochie Coo happily, as she scratched her husband’s long, furry ears.
“Ours was a love that dared not whine its name,” she added, as Butchy affirmatively wagged his tail. “It’s such a relief to finally come out of the kennel.”
Miss Coo said that they’d all had “a little scare” before the ceremony, when their vet thought Butchy might have to be renamed “Bitchy.” On closer examination, however, it proved to be a false alarm.
“It was just a little shrinkage,” smiled the blushing bride. The uncertainty arose as the result of a botched “Joni Ernst moment” when her husband was a puppy.
“He’s definitely male, thank goodness,” the future Mrs Wootchy noted. “Because frankly I’m still against gay marriage. No woman,” she continued to general applause, “should ever marry a bitch. Of course, men often do.”
Wedding guests said that the ceremony, conducted in a local Petsmart by the Rev. Al Sayshun, representing PETA, was “touching and appropriate.”
Among its most moving moments was when the groom unexpectedly relieved himself while whimpering “I do.”
“I’ll take that as a yes!” shouted the Reverend, who had wisely brought along a roll of paper towels.
Instead of a ring, the beaming county clerk bride placed a Zircon-studded collar around her husband’s neck, and rubbed his belly to distract him from sniffing the Reverend’s crotch.
“You’re such a dog,” Coochie murmured dotingly, opening a fresh box of Kibbles and Bits. “Look how affectionate he is!”
The happy pair plan to spend their honeymoon in Dachshund, PA, and on their wedding night will watch their favorite movie, The Fox and the Hound.
“Guess who’s the fox and who’s the hound?” said Mrs Wootchy with a smirk. “Aroo.”
Do they plan to have puppies soon?
“Well, that all depends on Butchy,” said his new missus, eyelids fluttering.
“As a red-blooded American he-hound, he doesn’t like pussies much, so we’ll have to see. However, he spends a lot of time licking his shrinkage, and you saw what happened with the Reverend a few moments ago.”
The happy county clerk threw her husband another kibble, followed by a couple of bits.
“Now that we’re dog and bitch,” she said, “I’m hopeful that some day we’ll hear the pitter-patter of little droppings on the kitchen floor.”
Asked about his feelings, Butchy himself was strangely non-committal.
“Woof,” he said, before chasing after a stick thrown by his starry-eyed bride. “Woof, woof.”