Month: September 2017

God-crazed TV evangelist announces construction of the First Church of Trump the Messiah, inside Kentucky’s Noah’s Ark facsimile  Televangelist Pat Robertson announced today that President Donald Trump is in fact Jesus Christ Himself, “come again, as He had promised, to bring us all to Rapture and Saviority.” Rev. Robertson noted that just looking at the “Virgin” Melania, Trump Jesus’s harlot companion, had already made him “come again, rapturously.” “Praise the Lord,” he added. “And please…

“If we can’t bonk our students,” say professors in response to the new sex rules, “what’s the point of coming to class?” Nearly half the faculty at Harvard (49.2%) have submitted their resignations to the college over its new policy forbidding sexual relations with students. The group includes LGBT professors and graduate instructors alike, who say that their “constitutional right to the pursuit of random genitalia” is being “unacceptably infringed” by the new sex rules. “Like…

‘Why go all the way to Africa to kill lions? We’re running out of  execution drugs, let them hunt death-row inmates here!’ says judge Alabama county Judge Arabella Squatpump has a unique solution to the problem of increasingly unavailable execution drugs – allow sports hunters like dentist Walter Palmer, killer of Cecil the Lion, to gun down condemned death-row convicts in special “execution zones.” “Thanks to the libruls, good execution drugs just ain’t available no…

‘Their racism is still so bad you should just let those miserable bastards go and unite with Canada’ – former president Abraham Lincoln The ghost of President Abraham Lincoln admitted today that he now regrets having fought so hard to save the Union, because “the South’s ingrained racism will never die.” Mr Lincoln was speaking from the studios of CBS Paradise via GoogleSeance satellite technology. “The Old South never really went away,” the ex-president’s spectral…

Basement flooded, elves refusing to work under water, Mrs Claus leaving – jolly old elf is pissed A visibly grumpy Santa Claus announced today that he would “absolutely not” be making gift deliveries to GOP “climate deniers” this year. “You think because that idiot Inhofe can make a snowball in winter we’re not drowning up here?” he said. “What, he hasn’t seen the polar bear pictures? These lunatics must be stopped!” The not-so-jolly old elf…

‘Extend the Second Amendment to autos, trucks, and motorbikes – now!’ – Sen. Joni Ernst Feeling restrained by that seat belt? Resent being told you can’t text and drive, never mind drink? Hate going to the DMV?  The GOP’s Freedom Caucus is riding like John Wayne to your rescue, only he now looks like Sen. Joni Ernst (R, IA). At a press conference this morning, the “anti-seat belt senator” called America’s many onerous driving regulations…

Creator finally rejects humanity, off to find a ‘New Heaven, New Earth,’ as prophesied in Bible God resigned today, citing the appalling murders, rapes and tortures carried out everywhere in His Holy Name. “I just can’t take it anymore,” the Deity said, speaking from a conveniently burning bush near the Golden Dome in Jerusalem. “No matter what I allow,” He went on, “wars and holocausts and mass suicides, even the ritual slaughter of millions of…

DNA tests prove Bill Maher was right: The orange-haired billionaire is at least fifty-percent orangutan. Routine tests on Donald Trump during his annual physical prove conclusively that the 45th president is indeed descended from an orangutan, as alleged  by TV pundit and popular theologian, Bill Maher. DNA results indicate that Trump is at least 50% orangutan and perhaps more. The composition of his strangely orange hair, or “fur” as scientists describe it, is identical with…

‘Designer Dicks’ to be tested on penis-envying volunteers Civil unrest broke out today at the gates of the Wake Forest Institute for Regenerative Medicine, Winston-Salem, NC, following reports that its scientists are ready to start “in-man” trials for their new laboratory-grown penis operation. The announcement followed successful tests on rabbits, who, it was said, all instantly mated like bunnies. Thousands of noisy volunteers, many egged on by their wives and girlfriends, assembled at dawn demanding…

‘ISIS is even lower than Hitler, Stalin and Trump,’ says Beelzebub, in unprecedented move The Satanic Council announced today that a new and unimaginably horrific Tenth Level of Hell has been opened up for the ISIS officers and agents responsible for the destruction of ancient works of art and sculpture in Syria and Iraq. Individual fire-and-brimstone rooms will be set aside for the Taliban and other demented cultists who have blown-up Buddhas, defaced pharaohnic kings…